FRUSTRATION

PREFACE:

Napaka-busy ko na talaga. Since the start of this term, wala na akong time para i-update yung blog ko. Bukod sa gabi na ako dumating at pang-hapon/pang-gabi na ang sched ko, tinatamad na rin akong mag-bukas ng computer. Imbis na sayangin ko yung oras ko sa pagtatype ng sama ng loob at hinanakit sa mundo, ba’t hindi ko na lang itulog, db? Benefit pa yun sa akin! Pero hindi ko matiis. Hilig ko, e!

THE STORY:

Nagsimula ang lahat dahil sa kailangan naming ng 10% co-curricular sa aming DLHSS na subject. Since, tuwang-tuwa ako sa teacher ko nung Filipino1 at bumalik ang pagkahilig ko sa pagsusulat, na-engganyo akong lumahok sa isang qualification exam.

Actually, isa talaga akong frustrated writer, photographer at artist. High school pa lang, gustong-gusto ko nang maging staff ng school news paper. Naimpluwensyahan din ako ng best friend ko. Sabi pa nga niya: “siya ang mag-susulat ng article, ako mag-iinterpret sa drawing”. Kaso, lagi na lang ako pinanghihinaan ng loob. Kung hindi ako mahihiya pumunta sa office nila, may iba akong gustong salihang club. At nung 4th year nga, kung kelan naipon ko na ang lahat ng lakas ng loob, sakto nanalo naman ako bilang SC President. Naisip ko tuloy: “siguro hindi pa panahon…” o kaya naman, “siguro hindi para sa akin… ayaw ni papa Jesus”.

Sa barkada ko nung high school (6 – all girls), ako lang ang hindi staff ng Conso (The Consolinian – name ng newspaper namin). Yung best friend ko (Cam) editor-in-chief, si zhela ay ang managing editor, si jhen yung associated editor, si nikki ay writer, at si marinel ay yung features editor. Ako, wala.

Anyways, balik tayo sa qualification exam. Mahirap daw ang exam. Mahirap nga. Biruin mo, halos 21 essays ang gagawin mo for one whole day – from 730am to 730pm. At lumagpas pa kami sa given time. Mga past 8pm na ata kami natapos. Kasama ko nga pala si Gretchen at Ean. Tatlo kaming naglakas loob sumali. Ang main reason: “para sa 10% co-surricular and nothing else”. Pero ako, para sumali talaga.

Pagkatapos ng pamatay na exam, mas mahirap pa ata yun sa board exam, hindi na ako umsang papasa. Makalipas ang ilang lingo, mei tumawag. Yung editor-in-chief, akala ko nga nung una nangtitrip,e! Yun pala, totoo! Nakapasa ako sa qualification exam which is the first step. Laking tuwa ko talaga nun. Biruin mo, out of almost 70 students, napasama ka sa top 20. wow! Seryoso na ito! Matutupad na rin ang pangarap ko!

Second step, panel interview. Sa 20, magiging 10 na lang sila. Sabi, isa daw itong personality test. Feeling ko madali lang, kasi sanay naman akong makipag-usap sa ibang tao. Dumating na yung araw na yun. I did my best. Gusto ko talaga. Sabi, kinabukasan daw malalaman yung result.

Kinabukasan, yun agad yung nasa isip ko. Pero, mei gut feeling na ako na hindi papasa. At totoo nga! Hindi nga ako pumasa. Ang masakit, sa kasama ko pa na nakapasa nalaman na hindi ako nakapasa. Gets? Biglaan yun! Hindi man lang ako nakapag-prepare. Hindi naman niya ksalanan yun kasi, hindi naman niya alam na hindi ko pa nakikita. Wala akong nagawa kundi tawanan ang buong pangyayri. Buti na lang wala yung prof namin nung mga panahong iyon, kundi patay! Wala ako sa sarili.


Kinausap ko yung isa kong friend. Sabi ko hindi ako pumasa. Umiyak ako. Sabi niya para daw akong sira. Parang yun lang, e!

Oo nga, yun LANG naman. Sana, “LANG” lang siya.

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

Minsan lang ako maging seryoso. Hehe... kahit hindi obvious. Kahit na mukhang
“wala lang” sa akin ang lahat, seryoso ako nun. Gusto ko talaga. Kaso, hindi
yata talaga para sa akin.

This is one of the reasons why I hate to
see myself being serious over something. “When you get serious, you can’t help
yourself to expect; although you know that these expectations might not happen,
and would hurt you terribly.”

On the other hand, if you do not how
to get serious, your life will be full of pretendings, excuses and regrets -
away from getting hurt, but dull. No one will ever see you true abilities, and
you’ll end up not paying attention to anything and
everything.

Where would you place yourself?

Sa ngayon dun ako sa pangalawa. Hehe. Mas mabuti nang hindi sumubok at hindi umasa, kaysa ibuhos ang lahat ng makakaya, matalo... masaktan. Ganito naman ako dati! Kunwari walang paki. Pinipigilan ang sarili sa pagsubok ng mga bagay-bagay na gusto ko dahil natatakot na hindi sila mapasa-akin.

WALANG KWENTANG ENTRY

FOREWORD:

Pinoy, pinoy ako.
Ipakita sa mundo
Kung
anong kaya mo
Ibang-iba ang pinoy…

THE STORY:

Kakatapos lang ng first week ng aming classes, haggardness na agad. At andaming gastos. Siyet. Kailang ko ng apat na libro: tatlo doon ay nagkakahalaga ng anim na raan, at ang isa ay dalawang daan. Ano ba ito? Bibilhin ko ba? Tatlong buwan ko lang naman gagamitin. Hayy…

Pinaka hindi ko matatanggap, dahil sa aking katangahan, hanggang 7:30 pm ang schedule ko. Ang hirap pala, pero masaya! Ang sarap maglakad-lakad sa gitna ng daan kapag gabi. Ang lamig at konti ng tao sa loob ng campus, marami pa rin sa labas.

Kapag inaabot ako ng gabi, nag-LRT-MRT ako. Para mabilis. Bumili na rin ako ng card para diret-diretso.



Basta, puro majors na kasi ako. Kaya halos lahat ng subjects pang-gabi na.

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

Dobleng ingat sa pag-uwi sa gabi. At super extra effort sa mga majors!

========================


Wretched ILLUSIONS:

I saw him. He saw me. He smiled and talked a lot. I smiled and listen. We stared at each other. There was something. We both knew, importance but we set it aside. We’re friends – I’m sure. Should I expect more? No.

He bade goodbye and so do I. I pretended to be happy as if nothing is unusual, and anything is nothing. I turned my back and lost sight of him.

Days and weeks, I haven’t seen him - I hope I’d never. Ha! Don’t worry, I’ll be fine! I’ll let you go and I promise to hold onto to you no more.

OVER-SENTIMENTAL

FOREWORD:

TRUE or FALSE:
“We usually end up to the man (or person) we don’t love at
all…”

THE STORY:

It was already late. I have nothing to do so I turned on the TV. I don’t usually watch telenovelas or whatsoever TV Programs, but since I was so bored to death, and hysterically looking for something to do, I have no choice but to do so.

Honestly, TV program has no effect on me. I prefer to watch, or should I say, listen with my eyes closed. Hehe. What gives me goosebumps, are the lines that the actors say. I usually find myself wondering about what they say, what other people say. I may not have immediate or evident reaction; or no reaction at all, but inside me, a tremendous battle begins.

Mahilig akong makipag-away o makipag-talo about life and interesting topics. I love defending things, and finding striking points. I love thinking deep until my brain surrenders. I love the feeling when you’re in a Debate, especially when your opponent’s an egotistical one or swollen-headed. Gusto ko, with just a simple phrase or sentence, mananahimik sila! Hahaha! At mapapahiya, and they will not talk again. Yet, I can’t do those in real life. Imagination lang! Hehe. Siguro, when I learn to get angry, magagawa ko na yun.

Anyways, I was watching, “Vietnam Rose”, when I heard:

“We usually end up to the man (or person) we don’t love at all…”

Hala! Nagising ako. Napaisip. Reality bites. The debate started inside me. Sabi ko nung una: “Hindi totoo yun! Anong ka-mushy-han yan!” Gusto ko sanang ‘wag nang isipin, kaso, parang ang gandang topic pag-awayan. Pero, “mushy” at “cheesy” – ayaw ko! Kaya lang ayaw pa rin maalis.

Scenes were flashing in my find. I saw people I knew that were not contented with the person they’re with right now. I can see in their eyes that they’re sad. I even saw that in my mom’s…:c

I saw people who thought they were for each other, but end up in separate ways. I realized that couples nowadays end up in divorce; only few succeed on having a good and happy marriage. Sad, pero totoo.

==================

Hindi! Hindi yan! There’s a reason why people end up badly. All I need to do is to avoid the mistakes they’ve committed.

==================

Well, I end up lying on my bed. The last thought on my mind was:

“I hope I’ll gonna marry the one I love and eventually, be happy. Please, God! If not, I hope I could find someone who really loves me, and I promise to love him back for the rest of my life.”

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

Happiness depends on ourselves. – Aristotle

As long as the world
keeps turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy, and we’re gonna make mistakes.
– Mel Brooks

Why bother?! Hahaha… It will depend on me if I’ll end
up to the right man or not. As long as I’ll open my heart, all will be okay. I
just hope it’ll be easy... :'c

================

Mushy, over-sentimental… ayaw ko talaga nito. Ang lakas ng tama, pare!