STOP! It kills...

Masama ang loob ko, lagi ba dito ko na lang ilalabas?

Napagalitan na naman ako! Bakit ayaw niyo akong tigilan! Alam ko ginagawa ko!

Masama ako? Alam ko… pero tinanong niyo na ba sa sarili niyo kung bakit ako nagkakaganito?

Hirap na ko… hirap na akong gumawa ng bagay para sa inyo na hindi niyo naman kayang i-appriciate.

Sana hindi na lang ako naging ganito. Mas gugustuhin ko pang lumaking bobo, walang paki, pasaway…kaysa naman na ganito… lagi ka na lang pinapansin. Lagi na lang pinupuna yung mali mo.

Sasabihin nila magaling ka…pero kapag nakagawa ka ng mali kala mo kung sino kang tanga na walang karapatang magsalita. Ipapamukha pa sayo na bobo ka. Pag sumagot ka naman, sasabihin nila, mayabang ka. Masyado kang mapagmataas. Wala kang karapatang ipagtanggol ang sarili mo, dahil kahit anong gawin mo… MALI KA at WALA KANG ALAM… diyan ka lang sa tabi.. wag kang magsasalita… wala kang karapatan. Ikimkim mo lahat ng galit mo hanggang sa mamamatay ka.

Sasasbihin nila na wala kang malasakit, hindi ka marunong tumulong… Diyos ko po! Naman! Buong buhay ko, yan na lang nga ginagawa ko. Minsan lang ako tumanggi, hindi pa sinasadya… magagalit na sila. Sasabihan na ako ng “engot” at walang isip. Alam ba nila sinasabi nila? Nagagalit pa nga sila sa akin dahil wala na akong ginawa kundi problemahin at ayusin yung problema ng ibang tao, tapos ngayon, ngayon lang ako tatanggi, magagalit pa! San ako lulugar?! Sh*t!

Ang matindi, hindi ka pwedeng mag-reason out, para sa kanila sagot na iyon! Masyado daw akong mapag mataas, hindi daw ako mabubuhay na ganyan…

Bwiset! Bwiset! Bwiset!

=====================

Alam kong high blood siya. May sakit. Kaso, lagi na lang ba ganito? Kami na lang lagi iintindi? May karaptan na siyang sabihin yung mga masasakit na salitang iyon?

Alam kong salbahe ako. Aminado ako. Sana lang, aminin nila na may pagkukulang din sila. Hindi ako magbabago kung ganyan ang way nila. Hindi ako lalaki na matino sa ganyang pamamaraan. Sinasakal niyo ako.

=====================

Hey… I was very sad when I wrote this entry. And my eyes were filled with tears…
hehe! All I could think about was completely depression. I’m fine. If there are
any typos, it’s because my eyes are too blurry to see them, and I don’t mind
them at all. What I feel and think, is what I type. Medyo, super – madrama!
Haha! Shame! The thoughts may be even not coherent/connected to one another.
Please, bare with it.

I’m sorry, blog if I’ve said nothing but
sadness to you. Next time, I promise, I’ll tell something on the brighter side.
It’s just that, the flow of thoughts when I’m sad are immense that I couldn’t
help writing it down. The drive it brings is greater than when I’m feeling
happy.

CATCH-22 (no-win situation) – PART TWO

STORY:

I was so busy – as in, very very hectic - doing my final requirements when somebody texted me. It was already 10pm. He knew me and he even said my name. I don’t know him, so I replied with: “Cno ‘to?” the next day because of that f*cking signal. Then, suddenly I was dismayed to what he had replied later on. These were the exact words:

“kw nga una txt den u ask kng cno ako! Ok k lng!
- September 14, 2005 @
5:47:11 am

My temper began to rise! Ok lang sana kung maganda ang pagkasabi niya na hindi niya ako kilala. Kaso, namilosopo pa. Pwede ba?!! Naka-line ako so counted lahat ng tnetext ko! Bakit ako magsasayang ng ganon kung ang intension ko ay manloko! Damn! Busy pa ako! Feeling ko binabaliktad niya yung sitwasyon...

What happened next was really, really a shit! Aaaaaaaaaaaa!! Nakakainis talaga!

English pa siya ng English! I was into ending the whole absurd thing so I said: “Let’s end it here”… with a final message: “s ssunod wag k nang maeenglish, andami mong wrong grammar..”

I’m not a connoisseur in English, but I know how to correct one’s grammar. I came from a good and well-known school that requires / encourages every student to speak in English. Worst, I had a position in that school, meaning I was forced to speak in English as often as possible especially when dealing with teachers and important people. In some way, I have a right to tell him that, aside from the fact that we’re in a democratic country. It may sound rude, but my point of saying those words is to let him know that I’m serious; I don’t kid around and to really end the conversation with him FOREVER.

After I sent that test message, I didn’t reply anymore to everything that he text. Still, he didn’t stop, and begun texting in deep English and with unusual, overwhelming words. PERO MALI PA RIN!!! Wrong spelling, wrong grammar, not connected! Sabihin na nating kaya siya naro-wrong spelling dahil sa text, pero if he really had the intension of embarrassing me and making me believe na magaling siya at ma-intimidate ako, spelling mistakes should not be evident! Hahaha….

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

My friends told me to just ignore him. Ang sabi nila, naghahanap lang ng kaaway yun. Ang nasa isip ko naman: una, kilala niya talaga ako: either, kursunada niya akong asarin o galitin ; pangalawa, may nagttext kasi sakin dati na hindi ko na pinapansin at inaway ko pa. Baka eto yung way niya para sumagot sa mga text niya at mapilitan akong kitain siya para awayin.

Hayy…bakit ganon? Hanggang ngayon nagttext parin siya…pero ko na ako nagrereply. Yung iba nga, masyado nang “distructive” yung words na ginagamit…pero pinipigilan ko pa rin yung sarili ko. Magsasawa din siya. Sana…

CATCH-22 (no-win situation) – PART ONE

PREFACE:


====
“Ey reign ano gawa mo ngayn? Math? Tawag ako dyan bukas ha.…(weird letters)…”
Unknown person
September 14, 2005 @10:09:46 pm

“Cno ‘to?”
Ako – me – myself – I – Hanna – Reign
September 14, 2005 @ 11:45:04 pm

====
“kw nga una txt den u ask kng cno ako! Ok k lng!
Unknown Person
September 14, 2005 @ 5:47:11 am

“Ey reign ano gawa mo ngayn? Math? Tawag ako dyan bukas ha.…(weird letters)… - gnagago mo b ko? Ikaw unang ngtxt…”
Ako – me – myself – I – Hanna – Reign
September 15, 2005 @ 8:37:53 am

====
“putang ina mOH! dnt u thnk ikw una ngtxt gus2 m 4rward k sau? Gagu k pala eh kw ang nangGA2Gu ulol!”
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 8:42:36 am

Cge nga… pki 4rward lang po ung msg.. pwede walang murahan…
Ako – me – myself – I – Hanna – Reign
September 15, 2005 @ 8:44:01 am

====
Cno ‘to? E2 TXT MO CRA ULO K PALA EH,DNT buTHEReD 2 txt ok! I dnt even knw U! Ur annoying!
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 8:46:07 am

====
Cno UNA ng mura?Watz ur wORDS ha? BASTOS KA!
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 8:48:51 am

Wag mong burahn ung unang msg ko syo.. tga san skul k? ppuntahan kta..ippkta ko syo kng cno tlga unang ngtxt..hnd ako cra ulo pra mgtxt syo.. mrami akng gngwa,sobra.. wala akng pnhon jan.. at ska babae ako,anong mppala ko jan..
Ako – me – myself – I – Hanna – Reign
September 15, 2005 @ 8:54:19 am

====
Tlga? Bkt sana ako magtTXT s # mo kng d kaw una ngtXT nakasave d2 en u send dat lst nite, mas lalo ako ala panahon sau ok?Kng busy ka much more on ME! I very sory pero ala ko panahn sau!
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 9:02:14 am

Wow..Imulit mo lng cnbi ko a..Cge,let’s end it here..

S ssunod wg k nang mgeenglsh,andami mong wrong grammar..
Ako – me – myself – I – Hanna – Reign
September 15, 2005 @ 9:02:32 am

====
HINDI NA KO NAG-REPLY…
====
Ah TLGA! I dnt cARE!
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 9:05:32 am

====
Ah tlga im nt dat perfect best of all I dnt have tym oN frivulous matter,en 4 u 2 knw KULng LNG ako s letER it bCOZ im busy here! Im Not A bit goNE… gaga
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 09:11:44 am


“frivulous” is wrong. It should be “frivolous”.
“best of all” – I think it’s not appropriate to use that phrase in that sentence…J
“Im not a bit gone” – tell me please! What’s the connection???

====
I dnt dwel with nonsensical things! And I won’t stoop down 2 get fight of u! its cheap en n0T worth it gud day!
Unknown Person
September 15, 2005@ 09:21:58 am


“I won’t stoop down 2 get fight of u!” – ha! Shouldn’t stoop down, makukuba ka… tama ba grammar na “to get fight of you”? I believe its wrong…

====
U said madmi ako wr0ng gramMar?Is dat so??then pRove it 2 me now! F u really a clever dEN answer ur fon,en let see how good u r in English! Damn! Im not dat idiot… so learn from ur words.
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 05:44:46 pm


He kept on saying that this is a senseless thing/situation. If he really thinks that way, and he is really busy, and he really don’t give a damn… why does he bother texting me?!

Is he guilty or what?!

====
I thot dis was a bALDerbASH But den I cnt accept wat u have said 2 me wyle ago u knw how gud I am otherwise im bAD among ol bAD!... hu ever u r rmember dis UsPilLeD da beans cried over da sPILled MILk…gudluck!
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 5:55:54 pm


“Balderbash” – there’s no such word! Baka, “balderdash”?
How will I know that you’re “good”?
I may have spilled the beans, but I haven’t and will never cry on spilled milk…J

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Ang weird niya… hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako o magagalit…

BIZARRE DAY (in the wake of the evilness inside)

PROLOGUE

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open

And I don’t feel like I am strong
enough

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m
lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re
gone away

THE STORY

This day was very stressful I realized that my brains didn’t stop working, thinking, panicking at the same time the whole day. For the information of other human beings out there, this is the last week before our finals – or should I say, our last day. Meaning, we have to submit certain requirements for each subject/course which, Lord forbid, were extremely grueling!!!

I had three straight quizzes – Math053, Psychology and Discrete Math. I had to submit the portfolio for math, together with the problem sets and the assignments. My printer had gone mad the other night so I was force to print my “autobiography” in Psychology outside – additional expense and extra hassle!!! Grabe! Nasayang yung pera ko sa pagttype, hindi rin naman ma-pprint! Sh*t! …

STOP! STOP! STOP!

======================================================

Let’s change the topic to a much brighter countenance.

I was falling in line to get a ride home. Maikli lang sana yung pila kaso, tumatagal kasi kailangan sa iisang phase lang lahat ng sasakay. Nung makasakay na ako, kasabay ko yung kapit bahay naming nag-aaral sa UP, kalaro ko dati pero 5 years ata ang tanda saken. . Ngayon, hindi na kami nagpapansinan. Tapos, mei 3 bakla pang sumakay – as in “gays”.

Two of them took the back ride, the last one sat beside me. I didn’t care at first because my mind was set to something else, but it didn’t stop me from noticing their peculiar personalities. They were smoking cigarettes and making fun of all the things that catches their attention.

Ang image nila parang mga “rebel people”, at dahil bakla sila, may mga kilos sila na sometimes nakakaasar para sa iba. Isa na yung pagrereact o pagpansin sa mga bagay na hindi naman dapat pansinin.

The one sitting beside me was singing(?) on the top of (his/her) voice. Pero, wala siya sa tono! I didn’t even saw a single correct note! I’m not boasting or what, and I know I’m not also good at singing, but if you heard the way (he/she) sang, men! You wouldn’t stop laughing! . However, I guess (he/she) also knew how bad (his/her) singing was, but was too indifferent and shameless to prevent (his/her) from doing what (he/she) wanted to do.

The exciting part starts here:

Nasa pinakaloob ako ng tricycle at nakahawak ako sa handle na banda sa mei back ride. Nung sumandal yung isang bakla sa likuran… naipit yung kamay ko!!! Tinitigan ko lang… Talagang nakatitig lang ako… Hindi ko alam, nakatingin pala yung katabi kong bakla. Syempre, pinagtawanan ako. Tinakpan pa niya ang bibig niya at tumingin sa ibang direction.

Tinanggal ko na yung pagkakaipit ng kamay ko At hinayaan ko na lang yung bakla na tumawa at kumanta ulit. Wala akong pake… Hindi ko siya pinansin. Kala niyo, mabait ako, noh! Hindi, may iba akong reason kung bakit hindi ako napikon:

“Ang nasa isip ko nung mga panahong iyon: kung mapipikon ako, mananalo yung bakla kahit hindi evident. Lalo akong mababaon. It will be a Catch-22. At isa pa, magmumukha akong immature at uneducated.”

Ang masama, sabi ko sa sarili ko: “Hmp, bakit ko siya papatulan? Sino ba siya? Ayaw kong sayangin ang oras ko sa mga taong katulad niya… Hindi ko siya ka-level. At hindi ako pumapatol sa mga mababang uri ng taong katulad nila…”

Diba, ang sama ko! Ang sama-sama ko talaga!

The evil inside me is slowly awakening. I have to do something to stop it…

FINAL JUDGEMENT

(Wake me up)Wake me up
inside

(I can’t wake up)Wake me up
inside

(Save me)call my name and
save me from the dark

(Wake me up)bid my blood to
run

(I can’t wake up)before I
come undone

(Save me)save me from the
nothing I’ve become

SA HALLWAY...

FIRST PICTURE: (from left) gretchen, rachel, maki, and me...

SECOND PICTURE: (from left) maki, me and kurt... <medyo blurry, kc ginalaw agad ung cam>

heto...picture na nmn... kc kaka-member ko lng sa photobucket... kaya nag-ayos ayos ako ng mga pics..:)

ummm..after we took our lunch, we headed straight to the AVRoom para sa aming psychology class. since, masyado kaming maaga at wala pa kaming teacher, tinopak si Maki, at nag-picture-picture ng kung ano ano. nasa hallway kme, napose-pose...hahaha! lahat ng taong dumadaan na weweirduhan sa amin... ansaya naman!

===============================================

feeling ko puro double words ung nattype ko...hihihi...

HIGH SCHOOL MEMORIES

These are my hish school barkada... from left: zhela, jhen, nikki, marinel, camille and me...:) natatawa ako pag naaalala ko kung paano namin tinake tong picture na ito...hahaha! actually, practice ng graduation namin, sinci wala pang teacher in charge, e nagpicture-picturan kme.. with matching pose, choreography, and so on! hahaha! hindi ko masubok maisip ko paano ako naka-pose with all people staring at us... pero ansaya. about this pic, napagkasunduan naming "mataray at evilish" ang theme...

kung natataka kayo kung bakit ako lang ang naka-black, kc ganito yun: 3 kming CAT officer, since typeB ang required naming isuot for that day, nag-suggest SILA na black and upper t-shirt. Pumayag naman ako. Kinabukasan, laking gulat ko talaga nang malaman kongl ako lang ang naka-black. Take note: hindi ako ang nag-suggest... hahaha! pero ayus pa rin..:)

DISCRIMINATION

FOREWORD:

Does one person need to feel bad towards what other people would say? Do you need to socialize with all the people you meet even if you feel you can’t get along with them? Does “social standing” matter?

Do I need to always be patient and just understand all things even if it hurts so much? Should I just leave them alone and be insensitive; telling myself that they’re not the same level with me? Must I be BAD?

THE STORY:

I have no classes today. It’s my free day. Suppose to be! But it didn’t turn out to be like that. Yesterday, I was really hoping that I would feel better. Instead, it got worst.

After I had my entry for my blog yesterday, I slept at 1:30 am. At around 5:30am, my stupid sister woke me up with her annoying voice...I mean, yell...asking if she could borrow my shirt and my phone. I got disgusted, how could she interrupt my sleep and then, asking me those nonsense things. I shouted at her, but not that loud that my parents would hear. Still, I permitted her and went back to sleep. An hour later, my mom begun annoying me... replacing my sister. I don’t know what she’s talking about. Hindi ko alam kung nanlalambing lang siya. Pero nakakairita talaga. I just covered my whole face with my pillow, then went back to sleep again. Later, I woke up in horror at around 9am after I heard my dad came from the grocery. He saw me, and I felt he got a little angry ‘coz I woke up late. You see, it’s a rule in our house that no matter how late you had slept the other night, you are still oblige to wake up early the next day. I just smiled and I hurriedly waked up my sister who, like me, slept at 1:30 last night…oh, I mean last morning...

It was my cousin’s 18th birthday. My dad cooked some specialty for her. I had to help him. After I ate my breakfast, chicken hotdog and spam…hehehe, I started helping him. I prepared the ingredients, while my dad did the cooking. I chopped onions – with the ‘s’...! I think there were 8 of them. Masakit sa mata, sobra! Then, I sliced some hotdogs. By the way, we’re cooking spaghetti, if you’re wondering. We finished at around 12pm.

At lunch, I didn’t eat that much ‘coz I saw many “greens”... I watched TV; I realized that my dad was staring at me... He asked me why am I not studying. Good gracious! I went straight to my room. I relaxed for a while then, checked my paper... this was the start...

I saw my test paper in math and begun reviewing it. To my dismay, I found out that my errors were caused by carelessness!!! Damn! I’m really stupid. The process was correct, but because of stupidity, my answers went wrong. Instead of writing ‘50’, I wrote ‘5’…shit! Instead, of writing ‘3B’, I wrote ‘2B’...I paused and relaxed... again... I don’t want to get angry...

I went over to my speech in Filipino, trying to add something and revise it, but I just stared at it the whole time. Then, I fell asleep. My dad woke me up. He asked me to try the spaghetti. Then, I prepared myself for the debut. I wore a white blouse (c/o ‘Just G’), a black skirt, and a pair of doll shoes. I wore my earrings which I used during my high school prom. At 5:45, my mom, my youngest sister, and I went off.

As we are looking for a taxi, a close friend from high school, Michael, passed by and offered ride. I sat on the front seat, and my mom and sister at the back. We talked for a while. I was to shy and couldn’t speak that much for two reasons: first, my mom was there, and second, I just feel bad that very moment.

We arrived at our cousin’s house. All were busy. The invitation says it will start at 6pm, but it’s alright 8:30, but the party hasn’t started.

The rest were tragic!
---->CLUE: deep in the foreword and title

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

Life is not at all that bad my friend…
Oh ooh, if you believe in
yourself
If you believe there’s someone
Who walks through life with
you
You’ll never be alone
Just learn to reach out
And open your
heart
Lift up your hands to God
And he’ll show you the way...

BOTHERED SOUL

FOREWORD:

“Where are all those tears coming from

Why are they falling?

Somebody, somebody, somebody leave your heart in the
cold

You just need somebody to hold on, baby

[Give me a chance]

To put back all the piecesTake hold of your heart

Make it just like new

There's so many things that I can do”

THE STORY:

This was supposed to be a one problem-free night. All the freaking quizzes are finished, and my requirements for each subject are almost done, the speech for Filipino and the 10 pages autobiography for psychology are the only thing left. But I can’t help being restless, confused, worried at the same time!

My performances for each quiz are not satisfactory and I feel very down! Really! I know I supposed to study hard and I must force myself to focus, but my will won’t let me! Harhar!!!! My mentality during my high school days was gone and I can’t get it back… It bugs me very badly… You see, when I was in high school, when I say I want to perfect the exam, I could do it easily. No joke! I’m serious and I’m not boasting! I want to go back to that self again…so that I wouldn’t feel this bad… as in really really bad!!!

I want to rest and sleep, but I’m so disturbed to do so. I guess my neurons are all burnt out! I can’t event think smoothly... harhar!!!!

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

“No more dreaming about tomorrow

Forget the loneliness and the sorrow

I've got to sayIt's all because of you…”

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**** The songs reflect what I feel. They are not dedicated to anybody…ok?