SHOCKING BEWILDERMENT

Natulala ako. As in. Halos maluha ang mata ko habang binabasa ang mga unang pahina ng chapter na iyon. Biruin mo, tatlong pahina lang, nawala ako sa sarili at halos mabaliw. Nanginginig ako habang hawak ko ang aking ballpen. Magkahalong emosyon ang aking nadarama. Galit. Pagkalito. Pagkataranta. Hopeless… Grabe!

Ang matindi, tatlong linya lamang mula sa mga pahina nito ang talagang tumama sa akin ng husto. Tipong parang gusto ko nang mag-evolve. Magtransform sa di ko alam ang gagawin. Eto ang saktong nakasulat sa libro:

“A ship being launched slides down the ways with a constant
acceleration. She takes 8 seconds to slide the first foot. How long will she
take to slide down the ways if the length is 625 feet?”

Naknam. Anong gusto mong gawin ko dito?!!! Aanhin ko ang barko?!!! Ano bang pake ko kung gumegewang-gewang siya?!!! Bakit ko siya kailangang pakialamanan?!! Bakit ko rin poproblemahin kung gaano siya katagal dudulas?!!! Nananahimik ako rito!!! Wag niyong guluhin ang buhay ko!!! Waaaa…

Tigilan na. Exag.

Masyadong kang eksaherado.

“Ungas. Gaga ka pala,e. Engineering yung kinuha mo tapos aangal-angal ka.” May sumagot from behind. (“hulaan-mo-kung-sino-pag-hindi-tanga-ka thingy” – clue: commercial ng safeguard. Pag eto hindi mo pa nahulaan, hindi ko na alam kung anong utak meron ka. At siguro ako kahit nanay mo at pagsama-samahin mo pa ang mga sayantipiko at doktor sa whole universe hindi ka na matutulungan sa tindi ng katangahan mo).

Tigilan na. Bad.

Masyado kang mapanglait.

Sa totoo lang, madali lang naman sana siya, kung alam ko lang talaga yung concept. (Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.) Di nga. Wala akong masagutan ni isa dun sa mga given problems. Ang hirap mag-analyze. Tanga ba ko? (**Oo. Mag-aral ka kasi. Magpaturo ka.** - mei sumagot na naman from behind. Epal.)

Nagyon ko lang naisip. Ayoko pala ng ECE. Ayokong makakita ng circuit. Ayoko ng Physics. Ayoko ko ng makarinig at makabasa ng “object at rest” o kaya “constant acceleration”. Kaya lang naman yun yung naging course ko kasi yun yung sinulat ng daddy ko. At sabi: “malaki daw yung sweldo”, meaning: “maraming pera”. (maoney-grubber… bwahaha)

Pero.

Pero gusto ko ng math. Gusto ko yung feeling ng sumasagot ng mga problems. At mas lalong gusto ko yung feeling na nasasagutan mo yung mga problems na hindi mo ine-expect na Kaya mo palang sagutan.

“E, ano pang problema mo?!!” ayan na naman yung mahiwagang epal na boses from behind.

Oo, nga naman. Ano bang problema ko? Wala. Nag-shshare lang ako kasi wala akong maisulat dito sa blog. Nahihirapan lang kasi ako. Wala akong maintindihan at sinumpong na naman ako ng katamaran.

Sa totoo lang, super kinakabahan ako ngayon sa mga subjects ko. Napaka-unstable ko sa lahat. Pangit talaga yung performance ko this term. Maraming nangyaring hindi kanais-nais. Sana, hindi tumuloy yung mga pangit na events.

Ngayon, naghahabol ako ng grades.

Kailangan muna maging medyo seryoso.

Tigilan muna ang kahibangan.

Tsaka na yan.

Marami pang oras.

Eto muna.

mag-blog na lang kaya ako forever. as in, yun lang ang gagawin ko for the rest of my life. yay!

BASTA...

Totoo nga. Na ang lahat ng bagay na gusto mo magagawa mo. There’s no such thing as “wala akong oras” or “marami akong ginagawa”. Kahit gaaano pa kalaki ang bagay na hangad mong gawin, kung pusigido kang makamit yon, gagawin mo, kahit sa kaunting oras.

Meaning, mali ako nung sinabi kong “wala akong time magsulat sa blog”. Tinamad lang ako siguro o kaya naman hindi ko ma-put into words lahat ng gusto kong sabihin.

Next time, I’ll try to be more responsible sa mga task ko. I’ll try to complete each job na kasama sa schedule ko. Gagawin ko ang bawat araw na para bang wala nang bukas (c/o “Rated K”). I want to fulfill all the things I want to do each day.

We might not live tomorrow. Might as well experience and enjoy the privilege that God has given us everyday.

Fear nothing. Enjoy life! Be happy!

JEALOUSY

I admit. I won’t deny. But all humans are like that. It’s hard to resist the feeling of guilt and hurt seeing someone once at you back, now had a long way farther in front of you.

But could you blame me? Maybe, for you do not know the entire story. I feel bad. It’s not just jealousy, but betrayal as well. Pride should also be considered. I cannot accept that I’m defeated, over shadowed.

I’m acting weird and inappropriate. I’m not like this. I should not care ‘coz I usually don’t care. My patience’s gone. She did it again. A total liar! She was never true to her words.

I expected so much – my fault.

I’m hurt. I was scolded unreasonably. I heard cruel words. They made me feel that I’m useless and naïve. I’m terribly depressed.

Still, it’s fine. I’m ok.

I’m exaggerating. I won’t give a clue.

It’s bad and I must stop this madness.

Help me.

BLOOD

Don’t shout at me. I’m not deaf.

You wanted to slap me. Go on ‘till you see blood flowing down my face. I’d be delighted if you’ve done that. But why did you not continue?

Black sheep. Ha! Am I? Really? I think you lost part your memory? Try to recall...

Don’t give me an excuse that you’re sick, that I should understand your situation. I’m damn sick of understanding you. I’m sick of always understanding other people!!!

You’re over-reacting. You’re stubborn. Your reasons are pointless and not right anymore. You tend to say things which are not relevant. You think that you’re always right. Stop acting as if you’re the victim, and as if I’ve done a serious crime! And please, you do not need to destroy things!

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I wanted to runaway. I thought of it the whole day. But, there’s this part of my brain that wouldn’t allow that to happen. There’s a part of my heart wanting to stay because I love them. There’s a part of me that wouldn’t be complete if I leave them.

They’ve hurt me so bad, but I still love them. I always thought of their happiness and how to please them. How could they say those words? How could they upset me? Don’t they know that I always thought of them? Don’t they ever notice that I always look for ways on how to put a smile on their faces? Don’t they recognize that I’ve been very weary planning and thinking of a future not for myself, but for them?

I’m not a good girl. I’m not an angel. And definitely, not a saint. Why am I so kind? That, I do not know either.
But maybe, just maybe: “Blood is thicker than water”…

STEEP

STEEP

by Nina

Softly, gently

I will let you down

'Cause I don't love you I

n the same way now

I can hold you

But not with lover's arms

'Cause you are more of

A brother to me now

'Cause I can lie next to you

But I can't lie to you

(Chorus)

So walk into the sun and watch me

Run into the rain

For you, the future's easy, so don't weep

For me, it's getting steep...

I loved you for

Exactly who you are

And I'd say we've come

The nearest yet by far

'Cause I can lie next to you

But I can't lie to you

(Chorus)

So walk into the sun and watch me

Run into the rain

For you, the future's easy, so don't weep

For me, it's getting...

Steeper

From where the dark that's where I want to be

Steeper

From going somewhere you won't want to see

So walk into the sun and watch me

Run into the rain

For you, the future's easy, so don't weep

Yes, I will watch you

Walk into the sun and watch me

Run into the rain drops

For you, the future's easy, so don't weep

For me, it's getting steep...

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this is my current favorite song, plus "forevermore" , plus "ever the same" and many more! haha... those songs have no connection with me - i guess? haha!

TONGUE IN CHEEK

Hello! Hello!

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Nais kong iparating sa inyo ang lubos kong pag hingi ng tawad sa hindi palagiang paglalagay ng mga sulatin dito sa aking “blog” (hindi ko na natiis! Nagenglish na! hahaha!) . Kung nararapat mang sabihin, sadyang abala ako nitong mga nakaraang araw... kahit hindi naman. Marami akong mga takdang aralin na dapat tapusin, at marami rin akong “dvd” na kailangang panoorin. Idagdag mo pa ang mga proyektong ipinagagawa sa akin ng aking mga pamangkin, pati na ang kagustuhan kong pagandahin itong aking “blog”, isama mo na rin sa listahan. Sa katunayan, naghahanap ako ngayon ng “website” na nag-aalok ng libreng “skins”. Hay... ang buhay talalaga... sadyang mapagbiro.

Halos undayan ko ng mga sampal aking mukha sa pag-iisip ng mga bagay na hindi naman nararapat bigyan ng panahon. Ngunit, sumasalungat ang aking damdamin. May mga bagay talaga na kahit anong pilit mong pagwawaksi, kusa siyang haharang sa iyong daanan para gambalain ka.

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(mag-eenglish na ko! Hindi ko na kaya… hahaha!)

The 28 cd’s of Inuyasha and the latest episode of Naruto “140 – 148” were not enough. I want more!

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I have written poems recently, but I’m thinking twice posting it here. But then again, it would better if I will. At least, my friends would criticize, and react on it especially Jam. Instead of leaving it inside my box and letting the dusts gobble them up. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

But…I still don’t think so. The poems are very intriguing... (^-^;) hahaha!

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Zhela’s birthday was really fantastic! I got to meet other people, especially her family. But the most unforgettable was the moment I got to talk with my very close and special friends and classmates from highschool.

Oh, wait! Meron pa palang mas unforgettable dun! Hahaha! Yung part na papunta pa lang kami sa venue ng party!

“Our meeting place was in Jollibee Edsa Central. Baon namin yung mga isusuot
namin. The plan was: magte-ake kami ng MRT, pupunta ng SM North Edsa, then we’ll
take a taxi. Pero, naiba siya! Dun na kami nag-bihis sa Edsa Central! Waaaa...
Imagine: I was in this pink pale dress (semi-formal c/o Nafnaf), with my
stilettos, earrings, accessories and all, walking in the mall and taking a
MRT!!! Waaaaa... syempre, pinagtitinginan kami ng tao, yun ay dahil napaka-cute
naming tatlo!!! Wahahaha... (just trying to calm myself... hay…)

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Nagpagtanto ko sa aking sarili na sa bakasyon ko na lamang aayusin itong aking blog. Humanda kayo! It’ll be greater and superb than ever! Bwhahaha!

Pati na ang pagtapos at “pag-download” ng mga “update episodes” ng “Naruto”, ay sa bakasyon na rin, nang sa gayon, e, yun lamang ang nasa aking isip. At wala nang iba.

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FINAL JUDGEMENT:

Blogging serves as my rest. And letting out my bad feelings as well. There are some parts that are ironic, sarcastic and mocking; plus, with hidden meaning. (hihihi...) Just, carry on, ok?