ONLY YOU

Brrrrrr…



A very merry and shivering Christmas to all of you!



Ho Ho Ho!



I’m so busy lately and my minds could not think of anything else and too preoccupied by the preparations of the said season that I forgot to open the computer these days. Gomen. Gomen. Byane! I have a lot to share. Really!



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Are you familiar with the Korean Novella “Only You”? I hope you are… and if not, boy, I wonder on how you can relate!



The series just started in TV; and before it did, I was supposed to finish the whole series but because it was the finals week, my father did not allow me to start watching. Awww!



The series was damn good!!! Hahaha… That’s on my own opinion. My mom, my sisters and I watched the whole series in two parts: on the first day – the first part, we started at 8pm until 3am. (My dad woke me up at 4:30am because it was my enrollment day *(-_-); meaning, a one and a half hour sleep! **sigh** harhar!); the second day, we started at 11am until 11:30 pm (whew! **headaches!!!**)



We can’t help but continue the story. Nakakabitin kasi! Sobrang exciting! Aside from the fact na gwapo yung bida. The plot was really different. The writer really made a nice concoction of love, business, culinary and parenthood without making the audience bored! And the actors fit the characters perfectly. Starring, Han Chae Young (Cha Eun Jae), who also starred in the smash hit, “Sassy Girl – Choon Nyang”, and was given the title “the Barbie doll of Asia”; and the most fine-looking man I’ve ever seen in the whole world, in the whole universe!!! (wahahaha!) Jo hyun Jae (Han Yi Joon).



The story was really amazing, plus there were scenes shot in Venice which was a really good choice. Aside from its prehistoric relevance, the atmosphere given by Venice gave a nice and soothing feeling to the audience.



If other stories end by a kissing scene or having a baby, this one breaks the tradition where the main characters already had a baby at the start of the story which is the twist. The child really made a big role. Actually, he’s the one who moved me. I was touched by the kid, and how the father coped with the six years he had lost with his son.



Waaaa... tama na kwento!!



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I’m not forcing you to believe in everything that I’ve said; and I’m not also forcing you to agree with all my statements. All is up to you... my reaction and everything that was written were merely the reflection of what I feel.



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Panoorin niyo.



Panoorin niyo!



PANOORIN NIYO!!!



Masaya...



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***By the way, I might switch to TABULAS... I’ve heard it is much better there, though I won’t delete this account. Still, I’m still thinking about it. It might be hard maintaining two accounts, ne?

SHOCKING BEWILDERMENT

Natulala ako. As in. Halos maluha ang mata ko habang binabasa ang mga unang pahina ng chapter na iyon. Biruin mo, tatlong pahina lang, nawala ako sa sarili at halos mabaliw. Nanginginig ako habang hawak ko ang aking ballpen. Magkahalong emosyon ang aking nadarama. Galit. Pagkalito. Pagkataranta. Hopeless… Grabe!

Ang matindi, tatlong linya lamang mula sa mga pahina nito ang talagang tumama sa akin ng husto. Tipong parang gusto ko nang mag-evolve. Magtransform sa di ko alam ang gagawin. Eto ang saktong nakasulat sa libro:

“A ship being launched slides down the ways with a constant
acceleration. She takes 8 seconds to slide the first foot. How long will she
take to slide down the ways if the length is 625 feet?”

Naknam. Anong gusto mong gawin ko dito?!!! Aanhin ko ang barko?!!! Ano bang pake ko kung gumegewang-gewang siya?!!! Bakit ko siya kailangang pakialamanan?!! Bakit ko rin poproblemahin kung gaano siya katagal dudulas?!!! Nananahimik ako rito!!! Wag niyong guluhin ang buhay ko!!! Waaaa…

Tigilan na. Exag.

Masyadong kang eksaherado.

“Ungas. Gaga ka pala,e. Engineering yung kinuha mo tapos aangal-angal ka.” May sumagot from behind. (“hulaan-mo-kung-sino-pag-hindi-tanga-ka thingy” – clue: commercial ng safeguard. Pag eto hindi mo pa nahulaan, hindi ko na alam kung anong utak meron ka. At siguro ako kahit nanay mo at pagsama-samahin mo pa ang mga sayantipiko at doktor sa whole universe hindi ka na matutulungan sa tindi ng katangahan mo).

Tigilan na. Bad.

Masyado kang mapanglait.

Sa totoo lang, madali lang naman sana siya, kung alam ko lang talaga yung concept. (Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.) Di nga. Wala akong masagutan ni isa dun sa mga given problems. Ang hirap mag-analyze. Tanga ba ko? (**Oo. Mag-aral ka kasi. Magpaturo ka.** - mei sumagot na naman from behind. Epal.)

Nagyon ko lang naisip. Ayoko pala ng ECE. Ayokong makakita ng circuit. Ayoko ng Physics. Ayoko ko ng makarinig at makabasa ng “object at rest” o kaya “constant acceleration”. Kaya lang naman yun yung naging course ko kasi yun yung sinulat ng daddy ko. At sabi: “malaki daw yung sweldo”, meaning: “maraming pera”. (maoney-grubber… bwahaha)

Pero.

Pero gusto ko ng math. Gusto ko yung feeling ng sumasagot ng mga problems. At mas lalong gusto ko yung feeling na nasasagutan mo yung mga problems na hindi mo ine-expect na Kaya mo palang sagutan.

“E, ano pang problema mo?!!” ayan na naman yung mahiwagang epal na boses from behind.

Oo, nga naman. Ano bang problema ko? Wala. Nag-shshare lang ako kasi wala akong maisulat dito sa blog. Nahihirapan lang kasi ako. Wala akong maintindihan at sinumpong na naman ako ng katamaran.

Sa totoo lang, super kinakabahan ako ngayon sa mga subjects ko. Napaka-unstable ko sa lahat. Pangit talaga yung performance ko this term. Maraming nangyaring hindi kanais-nais. Sana, hindi tumuloy yung mga pangit na events.

Ngayon, naghahabol ako ng grades.

Kailangan muna maging medyo seryoso.

Tigilan muna ang kahibangan.

Tsaka na yan.

Marami pang oras.

Eto muna.

mag-blog na lang kaya ako forever. as in, yun lang ang gagawin ko for the rest of my life. yay!

BASTA...

Totoo nga. Na ang lahat ng bagay na gusto mo magagawa mo. There’s no such thing as “wala akong oras” or “marami akong ginagawa”. Kahit gaaano pa kalaki ang bagay na hangad mong gawin, kung pusigido kang makamit yon, gagawin mo, kahit sa kaunting oras.

Meaning, mali ako nung sinabi kong “wala akong time magsulat sa blog”. Tinamad lang ako siguro o kaya naman hindi ko ma-put into words lahat ng gusto kong sabihin.

Next time, I’ll try to be more responsible sa mga task ko. I’ll try to complete each job na kasama sa schedule ko. Gagawin ko ang bawat araw na para bang wala nang bukas (c/o “Rated K”). I want to fulfill all the things I want to do each day.

We might not live tomorrow. Might as well experience and enjoy the privilege that God has given us everyday.

Fear nothing. Enjoy life! Be happy!

JEALOUSY

I admit. I won’t deny. But all humans are like that. It’s hard to resist the feeling of guilt and hurt seeing someone once at you back, now had a long way farther in front of you.

But could you blame me? Maybe, for you do not know the entire story. I feel bad. It’s not just jealousy, but betrayal as well. Pride should also be considered. I cannot accept that I’m defeated, over shadowed.

I’m acting weird and inappropriate. I’m not like this. I should not care ‘coz I usually don’t care. My patience’s gone. She did it again. A total liar! She was never true to her words.

I expected so much – my fault.

I’m hurt. I was scolded unreasonably. I heard cruel words. They made me feel that I’m useless and naïve. I’m terribly depressed.

Still, it’s fine. I’m ok.

I’m exaggerating. I won’t give a clue.

It’s bad and I must stop this madness.

Help me.

BLOOD

Don’t shout at me. I’m not deaf.

You wanted to slap me. Go on ‘till you see blood flowing down my face. I’d be delighted if you’ve done that. But why did you not continue?

Black sheep. Ha! Am I? Really? I think you lost part your memory? Try to recall...

Don’t give me an excuse that you’re sick, that I should understand your situation. I’m damn sick of understanding you. I’m sick of always understanding other people!!!

You’re over-reacting. You’re stubborn. Your reasons are pointless and not right anymore. You tend to say things which are not relevant. You think that you’re always right. Stop acting as if you’re the victim, and as if I’ve done a serious crime! And please, you do not need to destroy things!

====

I wanted to runaway. I thought of it the whole day. But, there’s this part of my brain that wouldn’t allow that to happen. There’s a part of my heart wanting to stay because I love them. There’s a part of me that wouldn’t be complete if I leave them.

They’ve hurt me so bad, but I still love them. I always thought of their happiness and how to please them. How could they say those words? How could they upset me? Don’t they know that I always thought of them? Don’t they ever notice that I always look for ways on how to put a smile on their faces? Don’t they recognize that I’ve been very weary planning and thinking of a future not for myself, but for them?

I’m not a good girl. I’m not an angel. And definitely, not a saint. Why am I so kind? That, I do not know either.
But maybe, just maybe: “Blood is thicker than water”…

STEEP

STEEP

by Nina

Softly, gently

I will let you down

'Cause I don't love you I

n the same way now

I can hold you

But not with lover's arms

'Cause you are more of

A brother to me now

'Cause I can lie next to you

But I can't lie to you

(Chorus)

So walk into the sun and watch me

Run into the rain

For you, the future's easy, so don't weep

For me, it's getting steep...

I loved you for

Exactly who you are

And I'd say we've come

The nearest yet by far

'Cause I can lie next to you

But I can't lie to you

(Chorus)

So walk into the sun and watch me

Run into the rain

For you, the future's easy, so don't weep

For me, it's getting...

Steeper

From where the dark that's where I want to be

Steeper

From going somewhere you won't want to see

So walk into the sun and watch me

Run into the rain

For you, the future's easy, so don't weep

Yes, I will watch you

Walk into the sun and watch me

Run into the rain drops

For you, the future's easy, so don't weep

For me, it's getting steep...

====

this is my current favorite song, plus "forevermore" , plus "ever the same" and many more! haha... those songs have no connection with me - i guess? haha!

TONGUE IN CHEEK

Hello! Hello!

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Nais kong iparating sa inyo ang lubos kong pag hingi ng tawad sa hindi palagiang paglalagay ng mga sulatin dito sa aking “blog” (hindi ko na natiis! Nagenglish na! hahaha!) . Kung nararapat mang sabihin, sadyang abala ako nitong mga nakaraang araw... kahit hindi naman. Marami akong mga takdang aralin na dapat tapusin, at marami rin akong “dvd” na kailangang panoorin. Idagdag mo pa ang mga proyektong ipinagagawa sa akin ng aking mga pamangkin, pati na ang kagustuhan kong pagandahin itong aking “blog”, isama mo na rin sa listahan. Sa katunayan, naghahanap ako ngayon ng “website” na nag-aalok ng libreng “skins”. Hay... ang buhay talalaga... sadyang mapagbiro.

Halos undayan ko ng mga sampal aking mukha sa pag-iisip ng mga bagay na hindi naman nararapat bigyan ng panahon. Ngunit, sumasalungat ang aking damdamin. May mga bagay talaga na kahit anong pilit mong pagwawaksi, kusa siyang haharang sa iyong daanan para gambalain ka.

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(mag-eenglish na ko! Hindi ko na kaya… hahaha!)

The 28 cd’s of Inuyasha and the latest episode of Naruto “140 – 148” were not enough. I want more!

===

I have written poems recently, but I’m thinking twice posting it here. But then again, it would better if I will. At least, my friends would criticize, and react on it especially Jam. Instead of leaving it inside my box and letting the dusts gobble them up. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

But…I still don’t think so. The poems are very intriguing... (^-^;) hahaha!

===

Zhela’s birthday was really fantastic! I got to meet other people, especially her family. But the most unforgettable was the moment I got to talk with my very close and special friends and classmates from highschool.

Oh, wait! Meron pa palang mas unforgettable dun! Hahaha! Yung part na papunta pa lang kami sa venue ng party!

“Our meeting place was in Jollibee Edsa Central. Baon namin yung mga isusuot
namin. The plan was: magte-ake kami ng MRT, pupunta ng SM North Edsa, then we’ll
take a taxi. Pero, naiba siya! Dun na kami nag-bihis sa Edsa Central! Waaaa...
Imagine: I was in this pink pale dress (semi-formal c/o Nafnaf), with my
stilettos, earrings, accessories and all, walking in the mall and taking a
MRT!!! Waaaaa... syempre, pinagtitinginan kami ng tao, yun ay dahil napaka-cute
naming tatlo!!! Wahahaha... (just trying to calm myself... hay…)

===

Nagpagtanto ko sa aking sarili na sa bakasyon ko na lamang aayusin itong aking blog. Humanda kayo! It’ll be greater and superb than ever! Bwhahaha!

Pati na ang pagtapos at “pag-download” ng mga “update episodes” ng “Naruto”, ay sa bakasyon na rin, nang sa gayon, e, yun lamang ang nasa aking isip. At wala nang iba.

===

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

Blogging serves as my rest. And letting out my bad feelings as well. There are some parts that are ironic, sarcastic and mocking; plus, with hidden meaning. (hihihi...) Just, carry on, ok?

FRUSTRATION

PREFACE:

Napaka-busy ko na talaga. Since the start of this term, wala na akong time para i-update yung blog ko. Bukod sa gabi na ako dumating at pang-hapon/pang-gabi na ang sched ko, tinatamad na rin akong mag-bukas ng computer. Imbis na sayangin ko yung oras ko sa pagtatype ng sama ng loob at hinanakit sa mundo, ba’t hindi ko na lang itulog, db? Benefit pa yun sa akin! Pero hindi ko matiis. Hilig ko, e!

THE STORY:

Nagsimula ang lahat dahil sa kailangan naming ng 10% co-curricular sa aming DLHSS na subject. Since, tuwang-tuwa ako sa teacher ko nung Filipino1 at bumalik ang pagkahilig ko sa pagsusulat, na-engganyo akong lumahok sa isang qualification exam.

Actually, isa talaga akong frustrated writer, photographer at artist. High school pa lang, gustong-gusto ko nang maging staff ng school news paper. Naimpluwensyahan din ako ng best friend ko. Sabi pa nga niya: “siya ang mag-susulat ng article, ako mag-iinterpret sa drawing”. Kaso, lagi na lang ako pinanghihinaan ng loob. Kung hindi ako mahihiya pumunta sa office nila, may iba akong gustong salihang club. At nung 4th year nga, kung kelan naipon ko na ang lahat ng lakas ng loob, sakto nanalo naman ako bilang SC President. Naisip ko tuloy: “siguro hindi pa panahon…” o kaya naman, “siguro hindi para sa akin… ayaw ni papa Jesus”.

Sa barkada ko nung high school (6 – all girls), ako lang ang hindi staff ng Conso (The Consolinian – name ng newspaper namin). Yung best friend ko (Cam) editor-in-chief, si zhela ay ang managing editor, si jhen yung associated editor, si nikki ay writer, at si marinel ay yung features editor. Ako, wala.

Anyways, balik tayo sa qualification exam. Mahirap daw ang exam. Mahirap nga. Biruin mo, halos 21 essays ang gagawin mo for one whole day – from 730am to 730pm. At lumagpas pa kami sa given time. Mga past 8pm na ata kami natapos. Kasama ko nga pala si Gretchen at Ean. Tatlo kaming naglakas loob sumali. Ang main reason: “para sa 10% co-surricular and nothing else”. Pero ako, para sumali talaga.

Pagkatapos ng pamatay na exam, mas mahirap pa ata yun sa board exam, hindi na ako umsang papasa. Makalipas ang ilang lingo, mei tumawag. Yung editor-in-chief, akala ko nga nung una nangtitrip,e! Yun pala, totoo! Nakapasa ako sa qualification exam which is the first step. Laking tuwa ko talaga nun. Biruin mo, out of almost 70 students, napasama ka sa top 20. wow! Seryoso na ito! Matutupad na rin ang pangarap ko!

Second step, panel interview. Sa 20, magiging 10 na lang sila. Sabi, isa daw itong personality test. Feeling ko madali lang, kasi sanay naman akong makipag-usap sa ibang tao. Dumating na yung araw na yun. I did my best. Gusto ko talaga. Sabi, kinabukasan daw malalaman yung result.

Kinabukasan, yun agad yung nasa isip ko. Pero, mei gut feeling na ako na hindi papasa. At totoo nga! Hindi nga ako pumasa. Ang masakit, sa kasama ko pa na nakapasa nalaman na hindi ako nakapasa. Gets? Biglaan yun! Hindi man lang ako nakapag-prepare. Hindi naman niya ksalanan yun kasi, hindi naman niya alam na hindi ko pa nakikita. Wala akong nagawa kundi tawanan ang buong pangyayri. Buti na lang wala yung prof namin nung mga panahong iyon, kundi patay! Wala ako sa sarili.


Kinausap ko yung isa kong friend. Sabi ko hindi ako pumasa. Umiyak ako. Sabi niya para daw akong sira. Parang yun lang, e!

Oo nga, yun LANG naman. Sana, “LANG” lang siya.

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

Minsan lang ako maging seryoso. Hehe... kahit hindi obvious. Kahit na mukhang
“wala lang” sa akin ang lahat, seryoso ako nun. Gusto ko talaga. Kaso, hindi
yata talaga para sa akin.

This is one of the reasons why I hate to
see myself being serious over something. “When you get serious, you can’t help
yourself to expect; although you know that these expectations might not happen,
and would hurt you terribly.”

On the other hand, if you do not how
to get serious, your life will be full of pretendings, excuses and regrets -
away from getting hurt, but dull. No one will ever see you true abilities, and
you’ll end up not paying attention to anything and
everything.

Where would you place yourself?

Sa ngayon dun ako sa pangalawa. Hehe. Mas mabuti nang hindi sumubok at hindi umasa, kaysa ibuhos ang lahat ng makakaya, matalo... masaktan. Ganito naman ako dati! Kunwari walang paki. Pinipigilan ang sarili sa pagsubok ng mga bagay-bagay na gusto ko dahil natatakot na hindi sila mapasa-akin.

WALANG KWENTANG ENTRY

FOREWORD:

Pinoy, pinoy ako.
Ipakita sa mundo
Kung
anong kaya mo
Ibang-iba ang pinoy…

THE STORY:

Kakatapos lang ng first week ng aming classes, haggardness na agad. At andaming gastos. Siyet. Kailang ko ng apat na libro: tatlo doon ay nagkakahalaga ng anim na raan, at ang isa ay dalawang daan. Ano ba ito? Bibilhin ko ba? Tatlong buwan ko lang naman gagamitin. Hayy…

Pinaka hindi ko matatanggap, dahil sa aking katangahan, hanggang 7:30 pm ang schedule ko. Ang hirap pala, pero masaya! Ang sarap maglakad-lakad sa gitna ng daan kapag gabi. Ang lamig at konti ng tao sa loob ng campus, marami pa rin sa labas.

Kapag inaabot ako ng gabi, nag-LRT-MRT ako. Para mabilis. Bumili na rin ako ng card para diret-diretso.



Basta, puro majors na kasi ako. Kaya halos lahat ng subjects pang-gabi na.

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

Dobleng ingat sa pag-uwi sa gabi. At super extra effort sa mga majors!

========================


Wretched ILLUSIONS:

I saw him. He saw me. He smiled and talked a lot. I smiled and listen. We stared at each other. There was something. We both knew, importance but we set it aside. We’re friends – I’m sure. Should I expect more? No.

He bade goodbye and so do I. I pretended to be happy as if nothing is unusual, and anything is nothing. I turned my back and lost sight of him.

Days and weeks, I haven’t seen him - I hope I’d never. Ha! Don’t worry, I’ll be fine! I’ll let you go and I promise to hold onto to you no more.

OVER-SENTIMENTAL

FOREWORD:

TRUE or FALSE:
“We usually end up to the man (or person) we don’t love at
all…”

THE STORY:

It was already late. I have nothing to do so I turned on the TV. I don’t usually watch telenovelas or whatsoever TV Programs, but since I was so bored to death, and hysterically looking for something to do, I have no choice but to do so.

Honestly, TV program has no effect on me. I prefer to watch, or should I say, listen with my eyes closed. Hehe. What gives me goosebumps, are the lines that the actors say. I usually find myself wondering about what they say, what other people say. I may not have immediate or evident reaction; or no reaction at all, but inside me, a tremendous battle begins.

Mahilig akong makipag-away o makipag-talo about life and interesting topics. I love defending things, and finding striking points. I love thinking deep until my brain surrenders. I love the feeling when you’re in a Debate, especially when your opponent’s an egotistical one or swollen-headed. Gusto ko, with just a simple phrase or sentence, mananahimik sila! Hahaha! At mapapahiya, and they will not talk again. Yet, I can’t do those in real life. Imagination lang! Hehe. Siguro, when I learn to get angry, magagawa ko na yun.

Anyways, I was watching, “Vietnam Rose”, when I heard:

“We usually end up to the man (or person) we don’t love at all…”

Hala! Nagising ako. Napaisip. Reality bites. The debate started inside me. Sabi ko nung una: “Hindi totoo yun! Anong ka-mushy-han yan!” Gusto ko sanang ‘wag nang isipin, kaso, parang ang gandang topic pag-awayan. Pero, “mushy” at “cheesy” – ayaw ko! Kaya lang ayaw pa rin maalis.

Scenes were flashing in my find. I saw people I knew that were not contented with the person they’re with right now. I can see in their eyes that they’re sad. I even saw that in my mom’s…:c

I saw people who thought they were for each other, but end up in separate ways. I realized that couples nowadays end up in divorce; only few succeed on having a good and happy marriage. Sad, pero totoo.

==================

Hindi! Hindi yan! There’s a reason why people end up badly. All I need to do is to avoid the mistakes they’ve committed.

==================

Well, I end up lying on my bed. The last thought on my mind was:

“I hope I’ll gonna marry the one I love and eventually, be happy. Please, God! If not, I hope I could find someone who really loves me, and I promise to love him back for the rest of my life.”

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

Happiness depends on ourselves. – Aristotle

As long as the world
keeps turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy, and we’re gonna make mistakes.
– Mel Brooks

Why bother?! Hahaha… It will depend on me if I’ll end
up to the right man or not. As long as I’ll open my heart, all will be okay. I
just hope it’ll be easy... :'c

================

Mushy, over-sentimental… ayaw ko talaga nito. Ang lakas ng tama, pare!

STOP! It kills...

Masama ang loob ko, lagi ba dito ko na lang ilalabas?

Napagalitan na naman ako! Bakit ayaw niyo akong tigilan! Alam ko ginagawa ko!

Masama ako? Alam ko… pero tinanong niyo na ba sa sarili niyo kung bakit ako nagkakaganito?

Hirap na ko… hirap na akong gumawa ng bagay para sa inyo na hindi niyo naman kayang i-appriciate.

Sana hindi na lang ako naging ganito. Mas gugustuhin ko pang lumaking bobo, walang paki, pasaway…kaysa naman na ganito… lagi ka na lang pinapansin. Lagi na lang pinupuna yung mali mo.

Sasabihin nila magaling ka…pero kapag nakagawa ka ng mali kala mo kung sino kang tanga na walang karapatang magsalita. Ipapamukha pa sayo na bobo ka. Pag sumagot ka naman, sasabihin nila, mayabang ka. Masyado kang mapagmataas. Wala kang karapatang ipagtanggol ang sarili mo, dahil kahit anong gawin mo… MALI KA at WALA KANG ALAM… diyan ka lang sa tabi.. wag kang magsasalita… wala kang karapatan. Ikimkim mo lahat ng galit mo hanggang sa mamamatay ka.

Sasasbihin nila na wala kang malasakit, hindi ka marunong tumulong… Diyos ko po! Naman! Buong buhay ko, yan na lang nga ginagawa ko. Minsan lang ako tumanggi, hindi pa sinasadya… magagalit na sila. Sasabihan na ako ng “engot” at walang isip. Alam ba nila sinasabi nila? Nagagalit pa nga sila sa akin dahil wala na akong ginawa kundi problemahin at ayusin yung problema ng ibang tao, tapos ngayon, ngayon lang ako tatanggi, magagalit pa! San ako lulugar?! Sh*t!

Ang matindi, hindi ka pwedeng mag-reason out, para sa kanila sagot na iyon! Masyado daw akong mapag mataas, hindi daw ako mabubuhay na ganyan…

Bwiset! Bwiset! Bwiset!

=====================

Alam kong high blood siya. May sakit. Kaso, lagi na lang ba ganito? Kami na lang lagi iintindi? May karaptan na siyang sabihin yung mga masasakit na salitang iyon?

Alam kong salbahe ako. Aminado ako. Sana lang, aminin nila na may pagkukulang din sila. Hindi ako magbabago kung ganyan ang way nila. Hindi ako lalaki na matino sa ganyang pamamaraan. Sinasakal niyo ako.

=====================

Hey… I was very sad when I wrote this entry. And my eyes were filled with tears…
hehe! All I could think about was completely depression. I’m fine. If there are
any typos, it’s because my eyes are too blurry to see them, and I don’t mind
them at all. What I feel and think, is what I type. Medyo, super – madrama!
Haha! Shame! The thoughts may be even not coherent/connected to one another.
Please, bare with it.

I’m sorry, blog if I’ve said nothing but
sadness to you. Next time, I promise, I’ll tell something on the brighter side.
It’s just that, the flow of thoughts when I’m sad are immense that I couldn’t
help writing it down. The drive it brings is greater than when I’m feeling
happy.

CATCH-22 (no-win situation) – PART TWO

STORY:

I was so busy – as in, very very hectic - doing my final requirements when somebody texted me. It was already 10pm. He knew me and he even said my name. I don’t know him, so I replied with: “Cno ‘to?” the next day because of that f*cking signal. Then, suddenly I was dismayed to what he had replied later on. These were the exact words:

“kw nga una txt den u ask kng cno ako! Ok k lng!
- September 14, 2005 @
5:47:11 am

My temper began to rise! Ok lang sana kung maganda ang pagkasabi niya na hindi niya ako kilala. Kaso, namilosopo pa. Pwede ba?!! Naka-line ako so counted lahat ng tnetext ko! Bakit ako magsasayang ng ganon kung ang intension ko ay manloko! Damn! Busy pa ako! Feeling ko binabaliktad niya yung sitwasyon...

What happened next was really, really a shit! Aaaaaaaaaaaa!! Nakakainis talaga!

English pa siya ng English! I was into ending the whole absurd thing so I said: “Let’s end it here”… with a final message: “s ssunod wag k nang maeenglish, andami mong wrong grammar..”

I’m not a connoisseur in English, but I know how to correct one’s grammar. I came from a good and well-known school that requires / encourages every student to speak in English. Worst, I had a position in that school, meaning I was forced to speak in English as often as possible especially when dealing with teachers and important people. In some way, I have a right to tell him that, aside from the fact that we’re in a democratic country. It may sound rude, but my point of saying those words is to let him know that I’m serious; I don’t kid around and to really end the conversation with him FOREVER.

After I sent that test message, I didn’t reply anymore to everything that he text. Still, he didn’t stop, and begun texting in deep English and with unusual, overwhelming words. PERO MALI PA RIN!!! Wrong spelling, wrong grammar, not connected! Sabihin na nating kaya siya naro-wrong spelling dahil sa text, pero if he really had the intension of embarrassing me and making me believe na magaling siya at ma-intimidate ako, spelling mistakes should not be evident! Hahaha….

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

My friends told me to just ignore him. Ang sabi nila, naghahanap lang ng kaaway yun. Ang nasa isip ko naman: una, kilala niya talaga ako: either, kursunada niya akong asarin o galitin ; pangalawa, may nagttext kasi sakin dati na hindi ko na pinapansin at inaway ko pa. Baka eto yung way niya para sumagot sa mga text niya at mapilitan akong kitain siya para awayin.

Hayy…bakit ganon? Hanggang ngayon nagttext parin siya…pero ko na ako nagrereply. Yung iba nga, masyado nang “distructive” yung words na ginagamit…pero pinipigilan ko pa rin yung sarili ko. Magsasawa din siya. Sana…

CATCH-22 (no-win situation) – PART ONE

PREFACE:


====
“Ey reign ano gawa mo ngayn? Math? Tawag ako dyan bukas ha.…(weird letters)…”
Unknown person
September 14, 2005 @10:09:46 pm

“Cno ‘to?”
Ako – me – myself – I – Hanna – Reign
September 14, 2005 @ 11:45:04 pm

====
“kw nga una txt den u ask kng cno ako! Ok k lng!
Unknown Person
September 14, 2005 @ 5:47:11 am

“Ey reign ano gawa mo ngayn? Math? Tawag ako dyan bukas ha.…(weird letters)… - gnagago mo b ko? Ikaw unang ngtxt…”
Ako – me – myself – I – Hanna – Reign
September 15, 2005 @ 8:37:53 am

====
“putang ina mOH! dnt u thnk ikw una ngtxt gus2 m 4rward k sau? Gagu k pala eh kw ang nangGA2Gu ulol!”
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 8:42:36 am

Cge nga… pki 4rward lang po ung msg.. pwede walang murahan…
Ako – me – myself – I – Hanna – Reign
September 15, 2005 @ 8:44:01 am

====
Cno ‘to? E2 TXT MO CRA ULO K PALA EH,DNT buTHEReD 2 txt ok! I dnt even knw U! Ur annoying!
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 8:46:07 am

====
Cno UNA ng mura?Watz ur wORDS ha? BASTOS KA!
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 8:48:51 am

Wag mong burahn ung unang msg ko syo.. tga san skul k? ppuntahan kta..ippkta ko syo kng cno tlga unang ngtxt..hnd ako cra ulo pra mgtxt syo.. mrami akng gngwa,sobra.. wala akng pnhon jan.. at ska babae ako,anong mppala ko jan..
Ako – me – myself – I – Hanna – Reign
September 15, 2005 @ 8:54:19 am

====
Tlga? Bkt sana ako magtTXT s # mo kng d kaw una ngtXT nakasave d2 en u send dat lst nite, mas lalo ako ala panahon sau ok?Kng busy ka much more on ME! I very sory pero ala ko panahn sau!
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 9:02:14 am

Wow..Imulit mo lng cnbi ko a..Cge,let’s end it here..

S ssunod wg k nang mgeenglsh,andami mong wrong grammar..
Ako – me – myself – I – Hanna – Reign
September 15, 2005 @ 9:02:32 am

====
HINDI NA KO NAG-REPLY…
====
Ah TLGA! I dnt cARE!
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 9:05:32 am

====
Ah tlga im nt dat perfect best of all I dnt have tym oN frivulous matter,en 4 u 2 knw KULng LNG ako s letER it bCOZ im busy here! Im Not A bit goNE… gaga
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 09:11:44 am


“frivulous” is wrong. It should be “frivolous”.
“best of all” – I think it’s not appropriate to use that phrase in that sentence…J
“Im not a bit gone” – tell me please! What’s the connection???

====
I dnt dwel with nonsensical things! And I won’t stoop down 2 get fight of u! its cheap en n0T worth it gud day!
Unknown Person
September 15, 2005@ 09:21:58 am


“I won’t stoop down 2 get fight of u!” – ha! Shouldn’t stoop down, makukuba ka… tama ba grammar na “to get fight of you”? I believe its wrong…

====
U said madmi ako wr0ng gramMar?Is dat so??then pRove it 2 me now! F u really a clever dEN answer ur fon,en let see how good u r in English! Damn! Im not dat idiot… so learn from ur words.
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 05:44:46 pm


He kept on saying that this is a senseless thing/situation. If he really thinks that way, and he is really busy, and he really don’t give a damn… why does he bother texting me?!

Is he guilty or what?!

====
I thot dis was a bALDerbASH But den I cnt accept wat u have said 2 me wyle ago u knw how gud I am otherwise im bAD among ol bAD!... hu ever u r rmember dis UsPilLeD da beans cried over da sPILled MILk…gudluck!
Unknown person
September 15, 2005 @ 5:55:54 pm


“Balderbash” – there’s no such word! Baka, “balderdash”?
How will I know that you’re “good”?
I may have spilled the beans, but I haven’t and will never cry on spilled milk…J

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Ang weird niya… hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako o magagalit…

BIZARRE DAY (in the wake of the evilness inside)

PROLOGUE

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open

And I don’t feel like I am strong
enough

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m
lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re
gone away

THE STORY

This day was very stressful I realized that my brains didn’t stop working, thinking, panicking at the same time the whole day. For the information of other human beings out there, this is the last week before our finals – or should I say, our last day. Meaning, we have to submit certain requirements for each subject/course which, Lord forbid, were extremely grueling!!!

I had three straight quizzes – Math053, Psychology and Discrete Math. I had to submit the portfolio for math, together with the problem sets and the assignments. My printer had gone mad the other night so I was force to print my “autobiography” in Psychology outside – additional expense and extra hassle!!! Grabe! Nasayang yung pera ko sa pagttype, hindi rin naman ma-pprint! Sh*t! …

STOP! STOP! STOP!

======================================================

Let’s change the topic to a much brighter countenance.

I was falling in line to get a ride home. Maikli lang sana yung pila kaso, tumatagal kasi kailangan sa iisang phase lang lahat ng sasakay. Nung makasakay na ako, kasabay ko yung kapit bahay naming nag-aaral sa UP, kalaro ko dati pero 5 years ata ang tanda saken. . Ngayon, hindi na kami nagpapansinan. Tapos, mei 3 bakla pang sumakay – as in “gays”.

Two of them took the back ride, the last one sat beside me. I didn’t care at first because my mind was set to something else, but it didn’t stop me from noticing their peculiar personalities. They were smoking cigarettes and making fun of all the things that catches their attention.

Ang image nila parang mga “rebel people”, at dahil bakla sila, may mga kilos sila na sometimes nakakaasar para sa iba. Isa na yung pagrereact o pagpansin sa mga bagay na hindi naman dapat pansinin.

The one sitting beside me was singing(?) on the top of (his/her) voice. Pero, wala siya sa tono! I didn’t even saw a single correct note! I’m not boasting or what, and I know I’m not also good at singing, but if you heard the way (he/she) sang, men! You wouldn’t stop laughing! . However, I guess (he/she) also knew how bad (his/her) singing was, but was too indifferent and shameless to prevent (his/her) from doing what (he/she) wanted to do.

The exciting part starts here:

Nasa pinakaloob ako ng tricycle at nakahawak ako sa handle na banda sa mei back ride. Nung sumandal yung isang bakla sa likuran… naipit yung kamay ko!!! Tinitigan ko lang… Talagang nakatitig lang ako… Hindi ko alam, nakatingin pala yung katabi kong bakla. Syempre, pinagtawanan ako. Tinakpan pa niya ang bibig niya at tumingin sa ibang direction.

Tinanggal ko na yung pagkakaipit ng kamay ko At hinayaan ko na lang yung bakla na tumawa at kumanta ulit. Wala akong pake… Hindi ko siya pinansin. Kala niyo, mabait ako, noh! Hindi, may iba akong reason kung bakit hindi ako napikon:

“Ang nasa isip ko nung mga panahong iyon: kung mapipikon ako, mananalo yung bakla kahit hindi evident. Lalo akong mababaon. It will be a Catch-22. At isa pa, magmumukha akong immature at uneducated.”

Ang masama, sabi ko sa sarili ko: “Hmp, bakit ko siya papatulan? Sino ba siya? Ayaw kong sayangin ang oras ko sa mga taong katulad niya… Hindi ko siya ka-level. At hindi ako pumapatol sa mga mababang uri ng taong katulad nila…”

Diba, ang sama ko! Ang sama-sama ko talaga!

The evil inside me is slowly awakening. I have to do something to stop it…

FINAL JUDGEMENT

(Wake me up)Wake me up
inside

(I can’t wake up)Wake me up
inside

(Save me)call my name and
save me from the dark

(Wake me up)bid my blood to
run

(I can’t wake up)before I
come undone

(Save me)save me from the
nothing I’ve become

SA HALLWAY...

FIRST PICTURE: (from left) gretchen, rachel, maki, and me...

SECOND PICTURE: (from left) maki, me and kurt... <medyo blurry, kc ginalaw agad ung cam>

heto...picture na nmn... kc kaka-member ko lng sa photobucket... kaya nag-ayos ayos ako ng mga pics..:)

ummm..after we took our lunch, we headed straight to the AVRoom para sa aming psychology class. since, masyado kaming maaga at wala pa kaming teacher, tinopak si Maki, at nag-picture-picture ng kung ano ano. nasa hallway kme, napose-pose...hahaha! lahat ng taong dumadaan na weweirduhan sa amin... ansaya naman!

===============================================

feeling ko puro double words ung nattype ko...hihihi...

HIGH SCHOOL MEMORIES

These are my hish school barkada... from left: zhela, jhen, nikki, marinel, camille and me...:) natatawa ako pag naaalala ko kung paano namin tinake tong picture na ito...hahaha! actually, practice ng graduation namin, sinci wala pang teacher in charge, e nagpicture-picturan kme.. with matching pose, choreography, and so on! hahaha! hindi ko masubok maisip ko paano ako naka-pose with all people staring at us... pero ansaya. about this pic, napagkasunduan naming "mataray at evilish" ang theme...

kung natataka kayo kung bakit ako lang ang naka-black, kc ganito yun: 3 kming CAT officer, since typeB ang required naming isuot for that day, nag-suggest SILA na black and upper t-shirt. Pumayag naman ako. Kinabukasan, laking gulat ko talaga nang malaman kongl ako lang ang naka-black. Take note: hindi ako ang nag-suggest... hahaha! pero ayus pa rin..:)

DISCRIMINATION

FOREWORD:

Does one person need to feel bad towards what other people would say? Do you need to socialize with all the people you meet even if you feel you can’t get along with them? Does “social standing” matter?

Do I need to always be patient and just understand all things even if it hurts so much? Should I just leave them alone and be insensitive; telling myself that they’re not the same level with me? Must I be BAD?

THE STORY:

I have no classes today. It’s my free day. Suppose to be! But it didn’t turn out to be like that. Yesterday, I was really hoping that I would feel better. Instead, it got worst.

After I had my entry for my blog yesterday, I slept at 1:30 am. At around 5:30am, my stupid sister woke me up with her annoying voice...I mean, yell...asking if she could borrow my shirt and my phone. I got disgusted, how could she interrupt my sleep and then, asking me those nonsense things. I shouted at her, but not that loud that my parents would hear. Still, I permitted her and went back to sleep. An hour later, my mom begun annoying me... replacing my sister. I don’t know what she’s talking about. Hindi ko alam kung nanlalambing lang siya. Pero nakakairita talaga. I just covered my whole face with my pillow, then went back to sleep again. Later, I woke up in horror at around 9am after I heard my dad came from the grocery. He saw me, and I felt he got a little angry ‘coz I woke up late. You see, it’s a rule in our house that no matter how late you had slept the other night, you are still oblige to wake up early the next day. I just smiled and I hurriedly waked up my sister who, like me, slept at 1:30 last night…oh, I mean last morning...

It was my cousin’s 18th birthday. My dad cooked some specialty for her. I had to help him. After I ate my breakfast, chicken hotdog and spam…hehehe, I started helping him. I prepared the ingredients, while my dad did the cooking. I chopped onions – with the ‘s’...! I think there were 8 of them. Masakit sa mata, sobra! Then, I sliced some hotdogs. By the way, we’re cooking spaghetti, if you’re wondering. We finished at around 12pm.

At lunch, I didn’t eat that much ‘coz I saw many “greens”... I watched TV; I realized that my dad was staring at me... He asked me why am I not studying. Good gracious! I went straight to my room. I relaxed for a while then, checked my paper... this was the start...

I saw my test paper in math and begun reviewing it. To my dismay, I found out that my errors were caused by carelessness!!! Damn! I’m really stupid. The process was correct, but because of stupidity, my answers went wrong. Instead of writing ‘50’, I wrote ‘5’…shit! Instead, of writing ‘3B’, I wrote ‘2B’...I paused and relaxed... again... I don’t want to get angry...

I went over to my speech in Filipino, trying to add something and revise it, but I just stared at it the whole time. Then, I fell asleep. My dad woke me up. He asked me to try the spaghetti. Then, I prepared myself for the debut. I wore a white blouse (c/o ‘Just G’), a black skirt, and a pair of doll shoes. I wore my earrings which I used during my high school prom. At 5:45, my mom, my youngest sister, and I went off.

As we are looking for a taxi, a close friend from high school, Michael, passed by and offered ride. I sat on the front seat, and my mom and sister at the back. We talked for a while. I was to shy and couldn’t speak that much for two reasons: first, my mom was there, and second, I just feel bad that very moment.

We arrived at our cousin’s house. All were busy. The invitation says it will start at 6pm, but it’s alright 8:30, but the party hasn’t started.

The rest were tragic!
---->CLUE: deep in the foreword and title

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

Life is not at all that bad my friend…
Oh ooh, if you believe in
yourself
If you believe there’s someone
Who walks through life with
you
You’ll never be alone
Just learn to reach out
And open your
heart
Lift up your hands to God
And he’ll show you the way...

BOTHERED SOUL

FOREWORD:

“Where are all those tears coming from

Why are they falling?

Somebody, somebody, somebody leave your heart in the
cold

You just need somebody to hold on, baby

[Give me a chance]

To put back all the piecesTake hold of your heart

Make it just like new

There's so many things that I can do”

THE STORY:

This was supposed to be a one problem-free night. All the freaking quizzes are finished, and my requirements for each subject are almost done, the speech for Filipino and the 10 pages autobiography for psychology are the only thing left. But I can’t help being restless, confused, worried at the same time!

My performances for each quiz are not satisfactory and I feel very down! Really! I know I supposed to study hard and I must force myself to focus, but my will won’t let me! Harhar!!!! My mentality during my high school days was gone and I can’t get it back… It bugs me very badly… You see, when I was in high school, when I say I want to perfect the exam, I could do it easily. No joke! I’m serious and I’m not boasting! I want to go back to that self again…so that I wouldn’t feel this bad… as in really really bad!!!

I want to rest and sleep, but I’m so disturbed to do so. I guess my neurons are all burnt out! I can’t event think smoothly... harhar!!!!

FINAL JUDGEMENT:

“No more dreaming about tomorrow

Forget the loneliness and the sorrow

I've got to sayIt's all because of you…”

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**** The songs reflect what I feel. They are not dedicated to anybody…ok?

I'm back

Hello, friends!

Its nice to be back. Nag-expire na ata ung una kong blog, pano...hindi ko na kasi siya na-uupdate. I hope this one would last!

So, wish me luck and support me and my blog.

Thanks a lot.