SWOLLEN EYES

Mom and I had a fight “AGAIN” (hey, what’s new!?) yesterday. And oh! Don’t worry; it’s my fault – me and my nasty attitude again. Ha-ha! **sigh**

Yet somehow it made me feel better (after 3 straight hours of crying... Now, uhm... err, I don’t remember the last time I cried that long. Oh, never mind.). Yes, it’s ok to cry once in a while (it can make your eyes look more beautiful! Ha-ha! And it can wash away the dirt within (or along??) your eyeballs...nyahahaha!) Aside from that, it can help you realize many things – dreadful things to be exact. Putting into consideration that you’re tired and angry at the same time... wah! Girl, you’re ready to kill someone (not your mother, of course...)


Here are some of my thoughts that time:

- “There’s no such thing as perfect - and that includes my relationship with my mom.”
- “If I am given a chance to choose whether to live as an orphan or live with my family right now, I’d rather choose to be an orphan. At least, they have the right to be angry at their parents who left them... while I don’t even have the right to at least argue with them... Worst, I don’t know what to do anymore! Given two options: a) should I pity myself or b) curse and kill myself for not being a good person. It’s silly of me to be thinking this way – but I think “B” is a better answer, isn’t it? Unless somebody would give me other choices – “c” or “d”?
- “I want to be a better person – but not for my mom.”
Words that keep on living on my mouth that time: “I wanna die... I wanna die...” – so selfish of me.
- “Why am I supposed to understand them and not them, understanding me??”
- “I wanna get off of this house; live somewhere else... but Gahd! How??? Fifty pesos lang ata yung pera ko...”

See, I’m angry. AND FUNNY!!! Nyahahaha... Good gracious! Will somebody help me!?? Hahahahaha! It’s always like that: the realizations are the same; thoughts are still dreadful and morbid, questions are still the questions and the answers are all the unchanged yet they never satisfy.

I cry every time I remember my dad’s face. I so love my dad. It’s him why I kept on going... it’s him why I’m still living... and that’s because, I really, really love him.

Yet, it’s the same with my mom. Honestly, I almost cried when she told me to eat by lunch a while ago (**sob**). Mothers are all like that. I know she never meant to hurt me that great. Yet, for now I’ve decided to slow down a little bit on her. Talk less. Smile less. I think it’ll be better that way until I finally prove “it” to her and to myself, as well.

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Half of my realizations are horrible, I know. Half of it is about someone else very, very special. I smile every time I remember his face. He made me feel better. Its good thing to know that there’s somebody out there who loves you all the way. And I thank God that he came.

How I wish he will stay... forever.

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I love you, Daddy.

I love you, Mama.

I love my family.

I love him.

Andrew, I love you…